I don’t believe in self-sabotage and here’s why:

I don’t believe we do anything that doesn’t work for us on some level.

Let me give you an example:

You have a part of you that wants to lose a few pounds. This part of you wants to feel better about the way you look and fit into your favourite dress. This part makes a plan. It goes grocery shopping and buys all healthy food. It meal plans. It avoids sweets. It sets out a routine for exercising and starts logging its progress. 

But then there are times when other parts seem to be in the “driver’s seat”. Maybe a part of you is tired and just wants something quick for dinner. Maybe another part of you is stressed and seeking comfort. Maybe another part even feels like it’s all pointless and wants to give up. 

Historically, we have viewed the first part of us as good and the latter parts as unhelpful or even bad. We side with the “helpful” part and feel dismissive, angry or ashamed of the latter, trying to silence them. Yet these parts have a tendency to keep creeping back in, seemingly sabotaging our best laid plans.

But what if all these different parts of ourselves have positive intentions, just different driving forces? Rather than viewing it as one part that wants to lose weight and subsequent parts that are sabotaging that goal, it can be extremely helpful to begin to see all these parts as driven to meet unmet needs or to protect us from certain feelings or experiences.

Once we understand that there are no bad, self-sabotaging parts (just parts that don’t necessarily agree with each other), we can begin to get curious about what those parts need and whether those needs can be met in alternative ways. 

Maybe the part that eats for comfort, is feeling stressed and needs more time for itself. Maybe it goes deeper than that, and that part never had the opportunity to learn how to self-soothe in other ways. In this case, this part would likely benefit from additional supports, such as counselling, to support it to heal those early unmet needs.

Once we can begin to see these unwanted parts, and their corresponding thoughts, feelings and behaviours as unmet needs, rather than as nuisances to be pushed aside or overcome, the game changes.

 Ironically, it is only by embracing these “self-sabotaging” parts that they stop taking over. When we can embrace all our parts, and what they need, our system as a whole will be less divided and more balanced.