As a therapist specializing in relational trauma, I often hear from clients who are surprised by how deeply they are still affected by events that happened long ago. They might say things like, “But it was so long ago,” “I was just a little kid,” or “I shouldn’t still feel so upset about this. What is wrong with me?”
My response is typically a resounding, “Of course, you’re still affected by it!” To me, this makes complete sense.
The research is clear: Our early years are extremely formative in laying the foundation—quite literally—for the makeup of our brain. This is because our brains build themselves from the bottom up.
The Brain’s Developmental Stages
- Lizard/Survival Brain
The first part of our brain to develop is often referred to as the “lizard brain.” This area oversees automatic processes like breathing, blinking, temperature regulation, and sensory input. This part of our brain is the focus of development in utero and early infancy. - Feeling Brain
As we grow, the focus shifts to the “feeling brain,” responsible for processing emotions and felt experiences, including trauma. This stage is dominant throughout early childhood, which is why, for example, 8-year-olds tend to be much better at regulating their emotions than 3-year-olds. - Thinking Brain
Lastly, and continuing into our mid-twenties, our brain focuses on developing the “thinking brain.” This is where our ability to make connections, problem-solve, weigh things rationally, understand context, and process time and space comes into play. The thinking brain helps us navigate the world with more complexity and nuance.
Our Brain’s Primary Motivation
Before we go any further, it’s important to understand that our brain has one basic motivation that has to be fulfilled before it can focus on anything else: To keep us alive. And to keep us alive, it has to keep us safe.
Because humans are social creatures who have relied on each other for survival throughout history, and because children are completely dependent on their caregivers, our brain’s drive for safety moves beyond just physical safety to also keeping us connected to those around us. To feel safe, we need to feel loved, accepted, and valued. In pursuit of this, our brains are always learning and adapting to how we can best fit within our environment.
Why Childhood Experiences Stick with Us
The earlier our brains learn something is necessary to keep us safe or connected, the more ingrained this learning is. Even when our situation changes (like moving out of an abusive home, for example), our brain still has a hard time letting go of a strategy it has been using for so long to keep us safe. Our thinking brain can try to convince us of all the reasons why we are safe now, but the younger, more established parts of our brain are speaking an entirely different language and have a felt sense of evidence to the contrary.
To compound things further, our brain is always looking for “shortcuts.” So, not only is early learning deeply ingrained, it is also cumulative, building on itself over time. We feel distressed when our brain continues to have a strong urge to protect us from something (or a seemingly related something) that was once unsafe.
Just as we build a house from the foundation up, the foundation of our brain’s development can have a lasting impact on the rest of our mental and emotional “house.”
The Path to Healing
Understanding how our brains experience trauma, especially over time, also highlights why we can’t truly heal through coping strategies alone. While coping strategies are crucial for stabilization, both during sessions and between sessions, they are not sufficient for deep healing. For that, we need to go to the source.
I support people in shifting their attention inward, with the goal of becoming more comfortable sitting with the thoughts, emotions, and body sensations they find there. This “felt sense” is deeply connected to the foundation of our brain and the wisdom it holds. The more we can begin to trust our system, the more our system will lead us toward healing.
These younger parts of ourselves, the ones that have been stowed away, deep down, know what they need. And the parts that have developed to keep these younger parts safe, they know why they do what they do and what they are afraid will happen if they stop. By meeting these parts of ourselves where they are at, sitting in the emotions, body sensations and protective urges they are experiencing, I support my clients to find curiosity, clarity, and eventually self-compassion for what their system has endured. From there, the real healing can take place.
The Power of Inner Healing
I have witnessed people develop great insight into what they need, connect with formative memories they have all but forgotten, speak tenderly to younger parts of themselves, and create much-needed corrective experiences for themselves.
Perhaps the most humbling thing I have learned since becoming a Social Worker is that everyone has everything they need to begin to heal already within themselves and can do so with the right support.